Do you still love me?
Do you still love me?
I still love you
no I don’t.
I’m so confused. why did this happen.
I want you to be happy. if this is what it takes then I’m okay with it. be happy. for me. please.
don’t you ever give up.
I kind of hate you for leaving me.
but I still love you.
I won’t look at you in person but I talk to you in my head
you’re a better listener this way.
maybe if I wasn’t so fucked up this wouldn’t have happened
no. it’s not my fault.
but it kind of is.
I hate this
I don’t know who I am without you.
why can’t things be like they were before
please come back to me. I need you. you need me.
we are so goddamn bad for each other it’s beautiful. I’m addicted to our heartbreak.
I went through our old messages. I cried because you promised to always be there. you lied.
you smiled at me in the hall today. i thought my chest was being ripped open
I’m glad you’re smiling though.
See, when you used to tell me I was a bitch, I didn’t know you were trying to carve me down.
You seemed explosive, seething.
I was blind to the careful placement of the word, the gutting eyes.
I wasn’t aware of the apologies that would come pouring out of my mouth like hail,
and I didn’t see that they were breaking the foundation from within.
“You know, you’re such a bitch”, you tell me when I disagree or defend myself.
This time I will not shudder beneath you
because you know what?
You are not any more monstrous than me.
You are a man with fists and you clench them to make me scared,
but I’m not scared anymore.
I’m not scared of offending you, not scared of being a bitch.
You are not the twelve year old girls kicking me with their cleats,
you are not my mother looming over my 6 year old body.
I am not cornered, I am not breathless. I’m wiser and older.
The thing is, you’re still a bully,
and I’ve learned how to deal with you.
Tighten your fists, spit your words. Call me a bitch.
I’m the bitch that you’ll remember fighting back."
You’ve been asking for a while now,
But I’ve been scared to tell…
You want directions to my heart,
You want the key to get inside.
Listen carefully when I tell you,
I’m a map that’s hard to read,
Please don’t get lost along the way.
Once you reach your destination,
I’ll unlock the gates myself.
You see, you not giving up
That’s all I’ve ever wanted.
i. There are blonde curls that linger on your forehead. Sunlight hits fair skin, and I see my reflection in green eyes.
ii. I don’t remember the day you came into my life. I cannot tell you how I wore my hair or how you shook my hand, but I can tell you that we were getting lost in hallways the day I started to look at you like more than a person.
iii. You sat on the edge of the bed, and I feasted my eyes on your smile. I didn’t even try to look away. I hadn’t yet realized what a privilege you were. I thought of words like, “genuine” and “sweet” but never once did I think, “beautiful” in the same way that it’s crawling up my throat tonight.
iv. I never would have guessed that I’d be writing poems about you on a Tuesday night.
v. Some mornings, my eyes crave you. I will wake up with your name on my lips or caught between my fingers, and I wonder if I had been dreaming of getting drunk off your smile or high off you bones."